Understanding
by Sheila51
Summary: Written for the 'Loyalty' challenge at KA fanfic. Not really sure it ended up a challenge fic because it went of course. Lots of Lancey and Guinevere angst and of course, Arthur angst to the max!


**Understanding**

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A/N: Written for the Loyalty challenge over at Ashley's KA FanFic group.

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Arthur- I miss you

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_When the sea falls from the shore  
As the light sinks low, will I see you any more?  
As the rain falls from the sky  
Can I bring you back, from a distant lullaby?_

You are dead. You are dead my dearest friend. Dead. You once said you would follow me into hell. And so you have. You have gone and you left me here. You left me here all alone with my fears and I'm so afraid that I will make mistakes that without you by my side... I am so selfish, even now, when you're gone I am still thinking of myself. But God! I am so afraid.

And I know I never told you how much you meant to me. You were my friend, my best friend. I didn't ask for it, I didn't even want it. I didn't want to care for you in the way I did- the way I do, the way I always will till my marrow is dust...

_Show me your vision, the story begun  
Two lights are rising and burning as one_

I watch the stars above me, my dear Lancelot and I pray to my God that you hated that you are somewhere nearby, that you are happy. The wine bottle in my hands matches my bloodshot eyes and the tears on my cheeks are hot on my cold cheeks. God... I miss you my friend more than you will ever know and you will never know how much your leaving grieves me. I am undone and my bitter questions pour out into the night. God I miss you.

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Lancelot- For you

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_In the deep blue of the night  
Shine the millions of stars and my spirit burning bright  
Spinning on, into the sun, flying higher  
Now my journey's begun... And the...  
_

I watch you, your eyes are troubled my friend. I see it everyday, the way you sigh and hide your fears when you believe others are not watching. I see you bend your shoulders with grief, I see the way your fingers curl into the soil of your father's grave, I listen at your door as you weep after we have lost a brother. How I wish I could ease your pain, my brother. But I know that there is nothing I can do, no words I can offer my brother to ease the pain you feel. The way you shrug away from our loyalty, the way you beg your gods to spare our lives. The silent questions you ask when one of us gives our life for yours, I see you watching the heavens as though you may find the answer writ out in glittering stars, always you drink and stare and cry, and we pretend we don't see or hear. But we do my brother and we want you to understand why we do it... But we know you cannot, will not... We know you will never understand...

_Cold, cold wind, it blows me away  
The feeling all over is a black, black day  
But I know that I'll see you again  
And I know that you're near me  
_

A cold wind is blowing over me as I choke on my own blood, perhaps I am dead, for I seem far too cold. Then you are here my brother and you are screaming at the heavens, that this should not be, I long to reach out and tell you that it is unnecessary, that all I have done was done freely for you. It is all for you Arthur. I cannot tell you why, I cannot think why but that is what it is, it is for you, my brother...

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Guinevere- Unanswerable

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_There's a star, calling my name  
It's echo is true and the song is not the same  
Take my hand and lead me away  
Bring me back to you in your arms I'm going to stay..._

I watch his tears and screams and know not why I feel he has lost a part of himself in his friends death, his tears are streaming down his face. And even days later, his green eyes shine strangely, he is slightly drunk I know. He stands their, his mouth moving, the same words over and over again. A question that cannot be answered.  
  
_Tell me your vision, the story begun  
Two lights are rising and burning as one_

Or perhaps I can answer it, though not for Lancelot, for he is dead, but for myself I can perhaps tell you. From the moment I saw your face through the bars of my cell in that place of darkness I felt light and hope spring forth. Your eyes hold a truth and purity tempered by a constant self doubt that rather than cripple you or make you indecisive makes you just and trustworthy. This is why we trust you my beloved, this and no other reason and our trust my love is given freely, our loss when in the name of love should not be mourned...

I can see it in your eyes that you have heard my words, that you understand them, but as yet I doubt you comprehend them. And so I leave you alone with the night, and your god while you ask questions Lancelot will never answer...

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Arthur- Not enough

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_All those years drifting in space  
I have known you well, yet I've never seen your face  
You turn around, looking at me, laughter in your eyes  
And now I can see_

She walks away, her steps soft in the snow, and suddenly the alcohol in my hand and my stomach is like an alien presence, broken I fall to my knees and retch, tears falling down my face. Then I hear you laughing at me. Oh how you would find this amusing, the great Roman Artorious on his knees, not before some God but before your memory. Why? That is the question that burns in my mind, heart and soul. That falls from my lips upon ears deaf to my voice. Why did you die Lancelot? Why have you tried to give your life for mine on many occasions? I remember them well, your first battle you broke your arm by jumping in front of a Woad wielding a mace.

I am still wondering at your actions, why so often you threw yourself in the path of danger, and another question burns me. Did you save Guinevere for me... Or did you love her too?

_And the cold, cold wind, it blows me away  
The feeling all over is a black, black day  
But I know that I'll see you again  
And I know that you're near me_

I stumble back to my feet, my legs wobble beneath me and my sobs are harsh and broken in the silent night. I didn't deserve it Lancelot my friend, but I know that your laughter is resounding in my ears and that your life was given freely. But still I rebel against it. Loyalty, love, duty... No one should give their life for another, nor as you said can suicide be chosen for another, you chose your path and however much it grieves me I will make my peace with it.

I turn away and walk back to where she waits for me. The forgotten wine has turned the ground to red like your blood spilt for a country you hated, in the name of a people you wished nothing... No I am lying again. I pause and breathe gently in the night air. You gave your life for me and the reason why matters not. In the name of our friendship you gave all and so I will honour you by speaking no more lies. I miss you, I will never be at peace with your loss, truth is I never wished to be parted from you, you were, are, will always be... The brother of my heart.

And that is enough. No- it is not enough. But I understand.

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PLEASE, please please! Review!!! 


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